I Feel Like A Total Fraud – Imposter Syndrome

I Feel Like a Total Fraud – Imposter Syndrome

 I have written 11 books but each time I think “uh-oh, they’re going to find out now.
I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”

 ~Maya Angelou

Have you ever felt like that?  If so, you’re not alone.  While researching this topic I read in several articles that over 70% of people in this country have experienced the feeling at least once in their life.  Maybe you have a bunch of degrees.  You’ve been promoted many times.  You’ve been on TV.  You have a podcast that people listen to.  You’ve published many articles and several books that sell like hotcakes.  Your music is downloaded so many times the number looks ridiculous.  You’ve been successful in your field for decades.

Or maybe you’re not quite a mega-star, but a well-respected member of your profession, someone who has presented a paper at a conference, or published one in your profession’s journal.  Or maybe not even that.  Just someone who has been doing what you do for a long time, and been told by many people that you do it well.  And since you’ve been doing it for a long time, clearly you must know what you’re doing or you wouldn’t be there.  But sometimes you still get the feeling that you’re a fraud and one of these days you’ll be found out.

So what’s this all about?  Its technical name is “Impostor Syndrome.”  The California Institute of Technology Counseling Center defines Impostor Syndrome as “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in the face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.”   And this happens despite all evidence to the contrary.

Ironically, high achievers are more likely to suffer from this than those who do well enough, but don’t stand out.  They indulge in self-criticism.  Experience deep fear being unmasked.  Believe they don’t deserve their success – it was a “fluke,” or worse yet, “a stroke of luck.”  Or it only happened because they “had connections.”  Impostors are uncomfortable with praise.  They don’t think they deserve it.

To the public they put on a brave face and appear confident.  But internally, they discredit themselves, feel inadequate, feel pressure to achieve even more, beat themselves up for that one weensy mistake that no one in the world but they will have noticed, and begin to panic that they will be discovered as complete fakes.

Where does it come from?  If you are one of these so-called impostors, you won’t be surprised if I tell you that it may have started in your childhood.  You may have been labeled “the smart one” by your parents, and then, having heard it over and over with every A+ you earned, internalized the message, and have now spent the rest of your life feeling like you have to live up to it.  So you also won’t be surprised that Impostor Syndrome is linked to perfectionism.  It’s never good enough – it has to be even better next time.  It has to be perfect.

Quick sidebar:  If you are or ever become a parent, do your kids a favor and don’t overuse the phrase “Good job!”  It should be saved for a true achievement, not, for example when a kid is simply obeying the laws of gravity by going down a slide.  Say “Wheeeee!” instead.

Or, the source of Impostor Syndrome could be the exact opposite.  You learned the (incorrect) lesson that you were worthless, and “would never amount to anything.”  So you spent your formative years proving everyone wrong, going on to achieve what no one ever expected you could and made sure you knew it.  And so again, in order not to be uncovered for the fraud you secretly believe you are, you work harder than most people to continue to prove yourself, over and over again.

At the same time as feeling like total frauds, some Impostors have an overabundance of self-inflation, and think they’re more important and better than everyone else.  That’s a trap, too.  And like any inflated balloon, it will eventually deflate and leave you feeling mired in insecurity, and the cycle starts all over again.

So what to do?  It’s going to take some adjustment in your thinking.  It’s not easy, but it can be done.  Do a reality check.  Look at your achievements, not your failures.  Understand that we’re all human, and we all make mistakes, and making a mistake does not make you a phony.  Stop comparing yourself to your friends, colleagues, people you read about.  There will always be someone who is better than or worse than you.  And if you’re in the hot-shot category, get over yourself.  Recognize that

• • Everyone has doubts now and then.  You’re one of 70%, remember?

• • It’s ok to make a mistake and be less than perfect.  Have you ever heard of a baseball player with an .800 batting average?  I’m guessing not.  The highest lifetime average is .367.  And most restaurants and start-ups fail.  Completely.

• • People who think they have all the answers, and may even believe it (making you feel so, so small) don’t.  So it’s ok to make a mistake.  And “I don’t know, I’ll have to get back to you on that” is an acceptable answer.

• • Separate the past from the present.  Just because that project from a year ago was a bust, doesn’t mean the new one will be too.

• • If your standards for yourself are unrealistically high, lower the bar.  You’ll feel less anxiety, insecurity, and almost as if by magic, your self-esteem will rise.

• • Foster a gut understanding that you are good.  Even great.  If you need constant external praise and approval, you haven’t built a core of internal self-reliance and belief in your own value.

• • To boost your self-confidence (doing another reality check), talk to a trusted friend about your feelings.

• • When someone compliments you, take it to heart rather than think they’re “just being nice.”

• • Eliminate luck, connections, help from others as reasons for your success.  You did it.  Accept it.

  Another sidebar:  there do exist true impostors, and hopefully you’re not one of them.  There’s a name for those kinds of people.  They’re called con men.  Watch the movie “Catch Me If You Can” (based on a true story about a man named Frank Abagnale) with Leonardo DiCaprio playing the leading role.  There have been many of them to varying degrees of success.  But let’s not go there…

  Ok, so here’s the fun part.  I’m going to give you some quotes by people you will have heard of who also suffer from Impostor Syndrome.  I’m not making it up.  You can check it out online if you want.

• • You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie?  And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?    ~Meryl Streep

• • There are still days when I wake up feeling like a fraud, not sure I should be where I am.  ~Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook.

• • The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and complete feeling of:  I’m a fraud!  Oh God, they’re on to me!  I’m a fraud!    ~Tina Fey

• • I am not a writer.  I’ve been fooling myself and other people.   ~John Steinbeck

• • What’s talent but the ability to get away with something?    ~Tennessee Williams

• • Every album, I’m worried that I’m a dork and a fraud – what if I can’t sing anymore?    ~Pink

• • Have I ever doubted myself?  Have I ever not?  I feel self-doubt whether I’m doing something hard or easy.    ~ Sigourney Weaver

• • I still think people will find out that I’m really not very talented.  I’m really not very good.  It’s all been a big sham.  ~Michelle Pfeiffer

• • Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think I can’t do this.  I’m a fraud.   ~Kate Winslett

  And the best of all, from Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor:

  • I’m not a classic impostor-syndrome person because I have that initial insecurity but I’m capable of stepping outside of it and proving to myself it’s wrong.  (In the Wall Street Journal, Jan. 2013)

  Take heart.  You’re not a fraud.  But if you feel like one, you’re in good company.

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